Oh February 14th, you just sneak around the corner every year and give us all a reason to say “I love you” to someone special. I woke up today and said that to my sleepwalking daughters who mumbled it back on their way off to school and work. I have been thinking about LOVE all week since I started listening to an audio book called, “It Begins with You” by Jillian Turecki. It is weird to say “listening to a book” instead of reading it. But if you spent the hours in Atlanta traffic the way I did this week, you could have learned a new language just sitting in your car. So I hate to brag, but I may be an expert on love now. 

The author, Jillian, is a relationship coach and she details 9 truths about love that she learned throughout her seasoned career and personally in her own journey in relationships. I felt like she was speaking directly to me because the very first truth is…it begins with you. Jillian explains that loving yourself should come before loving everyone else in our lives. Sounds so simple, right? And weren’t we taught to love our neighbors as ourselves in church? But there isn’t much religious instruction for that second part, loving ourselves. I am much better at loving all the neighbors in your subdivision and mine than I am at having a loving relationship with myself. 

The roots of our self worth run deep into our past relationships and childhood experiences. If you knew me the way my childhood besties do, you would know that my self esteem was fragile growing up. That’s a kinder way of saying, “I had issues” with self acceptance and self worth. I thought love had to be earned and it was only available when I was “being good” and not too needy. So I would love the hell out of everyone in my circle of friends and family in an effort to be safely loved in return. And sometimes that made me a welcome mat for people unable or unwilling to love me back.

I carried that core belief into my marriage. Afterall, I did get married at the wise old age of 23 after Erik and I had fully matured into adulthood. That was sarcasm, of course, my husband and I were way too young to know anything about mature love! But we made a life together and learned what love meant through every new season of our lives. So fast forward to the fact that he took his own life and he is gone now. Imagine the inner voice that battles me every day to say, “you weren’t even good enough or lovable enough for him to stay on the planet with you.” Nothing could be more self sabotaging than that inner dialogue.

That sounds as sad on paper as it feels inside my broken heart. Disconnecting Erik’s actions from my own identity has been an ongoing process in my mental health journey. My therapist has to stop me in my tracks sometimes and say, “I am going to challenge that belief, Allison.” Working on loving my new self is really hard work and may take a lifetime. But I understand how self love-the unconditional kind-is part of our growth and healing as human beings. How can we show up for our children and partners with unconditional love if we cannot extend that same grace and acceptance to ourselves? 

The book this week in my car “academy of growth” explains one ritual you can do when your mind takes you away from being kind to yourself. Stop and put your hand on your heart. Feel it beating for all the people and places and things you love. Take a deep breath and just connect with your own soul for a moment of self love. Jillian also recommends taking a sip of water or a quick stretch to snap out of that unloving mindset when you catch it creeping in.

Another author that I recently listened to on a favorite podcast was Martha Beck. She said we should walk into every room expecting love to greet us in all forms. Maybe today you do not have the romantic love you pine for, but in every room there is someone showing you love. It may just be the waitress who chats with you and makes you feel seen today. But there is love in that room. Maybe you are like me and feeling the extra sting of a silly holiday without the person you always shared chocolate and wine with in seasons past. Love is all around you if you look for it. I had my heart filled with love this week when I read to a preschool classroom. No one loves you like a two year old showing off his new shoes! I found so much love in that room. My wish for all of us is to walk into every space looking for love and expecting to find it. And just like searching for your keys or reading glasses, you will inevitably find what you are looking for…in every room.