Do you remember the songs of your childhood? The ones your mom played in the kitchen while she cooked on Sundays and the songs that played on the radio while you were in the car? This will give away my age…I went to the Bee Gees tribute band concert this weekend in Atlanta. In full transparency, I bought the tickets for my sister’s birthday and missed the whole “tribute band” part thinking they were still alive and on tour. How can I be “Bee Gees are dead” old? I think we still have Barry Gibb with us so that is comforting. I loved the concert! As soon as the music started my heart just went to that nostalgic place of my childhood where I was going to marry Andy Gibb some day.

In the early months after my husband died, I could only listen to sad songs. I literally found a station called, “Feeling Blue Radio.” In fact, when you click the little playlist the app makes for your “frequent plays” it is basically a grief concert. So the Bee Gees really gave me something different to feel. It connected me with my prior life. The Allison before Erik. It is amazing how music connects with our feelings. And for a few blissful hours, my feelings had a reprieve from the endless sadness of feeling blue radio. 

My feelings have been working overtime to assess the collateral damage of his suicide. In fact, my feelings are like their own person now. Like that unpredictable friend who is either going to get super fun drunk with you and dance all night or fight club drunk and we are getting thrown out. My feelings have been many versions of the unpredictable drunk friend this year. 

Sometimes they are protective of me. I notice that things that should make me feel something often don’t. It is like my feelings just tell my brain, “Nope, we can’t care about this war on the news fellas…Allison has met her limit.” My feelings go into the room before me and vigilantly scan for danger. Is that person going to ask you how you are doing? Is that person a threat to your ability to keep your shit together out here in public tonight? I know these guardians of my broken heart are doing their very best to keep me functioning. 

But my big feelings can be super sensitive and I misread situations sometimes. Disclosure: I have always been sensitive. But griefy me is sometimes over the top. I want to say, “you hurt my feelings” when a short text response from a friend could have been two paragraphs of reassurance when I am feeling insecure about something. 

Children say it all the time…YOU HURT MY FEELINGS! That is what I hear all the time when I visit preschool classrooms for work. Children are always working their big feelings out in their daily routines and play. Adults seem to lose that authenticity and self awareness as we grow older. Maybe our feelings have worked enough overtime throughout our ever changing lives to sustain that capability. 

I think my feelings have been worn out by deep grief. I don’t want to speak for all grievers out there but I think we have to retrain our feelings a little as we recover from our loss. My therapist advised that I could try assuming good intentions behind the people or memories that hurt my feelings. I think when my husband did the most unthinkable and unpredictable act on that December morning my feelings said, “We will never again be caught off guard by this kind of pain.” And I appreciate the protection and sometimes it is necessary in life to detach for some recovery time. But I don’t think we are meant to stay that detached because it means I can’t be surprised by the good feelings if I am always working to prevent the bad feelings from creeping in. 

I would miss out on the joy of the unexpected knock on my door from my 4 year old neighbor with a card he made me this week. He sounded out every letter of my name to write it and is now awaiting a letter back from me. I wouldn’t feel the laughter when my friend turned to me at the Bee Gees show and we screamed like little girls at the sight of 1980’s Andy Gibb photos. I wouldn’t feel the pride that comes with watching my daughter start a new job. I wouldn’t experience the heart flutters that come with new beginnings and new experiences. 

Talking about our feelings in real time helps us work through them in real life. My youngest and I had a “mom & daughter spat” recently that ended with both of us saying “you are mean” to each other and storming off. We could have just left it at that because….teenage girls ARE mean! LOL. But instead we talked about how we made each other react in that moment and we tried to understand what those triggers were for both of us. 

Don’t stop talking about your feelings. They are important and they are working so hard for you. Give them a voice and be willing to listen when others want to talk about their big feelings too.  That is how we grow. May your feelings show up in all the good and bad places for you. Like at the Bee Gees concert for me, where they lovingly reminded me that I am still that sweet girl from Rex, GA who disco danced in the kitchen with her Dad. Footnote: Dad’s nickname was Gene Gene the Dancing Machine.