There is truth in everything. Everyone has their own valid perspective and more than one thing can be true at the same time. I am not sure if I learned this from the Oprah show after school growing up or in therapy.

Oh! And there are two sides to every coin. That might be from my mother or the Bible. Regardless, this intrinsic quest to understand myself and others is deeply embedded in my personality. If I was an infographic, my pie chart has a large portion of loving empathy, which is my superpower and my kryptonite. 

It is a super power when I use it to talk to the elderly gentleman near my office who is homeless and we share loving words of encouragement and snacks. It is my kryptonite when I stop to apologize to the ant I stepped on or when I am on a continuous cycle of internal criticism for missing the signs that ended with my husband’s death.

Unconditional love can be a gift and over-thinking can be a curse. It feels like a tightrope act for me on most days. 

We likely all have childhood wounds, some worse than others, but no one escapes childhood without a few internal coping skills that influence how we may express and receive love or how we may emotionally protect ourselves during stressful seasons.

And it doesn’t mean we had bad parenting in every circumstance. It just means imperfect parents were doing the best they could with the parenting skills they learned from their own imperfect childhood experiences. Spoiler alert: our own children have been raised by imperfect parents too.

I preface with that because I know why part of me has a hard time with “bad feelings.” I am full of love and compassion. I am proud of that beautiful side of me. And the emotion I never want displayed on my pie chart is anger. In hindsight, I understand that a core childhood message was to be happy and make others happy to earn their approval. And this taught me to suppress and dismiss my feelings of anger. 

Expressing anger could get me punished when I was a child. Those tantrums were impermissible and often misunderstood by the adults around me. My mom would sometimes spank me for my angry outbursts or for my tearful obstinance to things like wearing those 1970’s sweater tights (aka: porcupine tights.) Also note, getting a spanking in the 1970’s was not unusual. Even the school principal could spank you. 

So back to the beginning, this is where “truth in everything” came to light for me recently. I know that anger is a logical part of grieving. I have all the books and podcasts. And I understand how taking one’s own life can add a whole other layer to it because we cannot blame “the good Lord needed him in heaven” like everyone else can justify widowhood.

My beloved husband, the amazing father of my children, the witness of my life’s journey walked out the door and did the unthinkable. Who wouldn’t be angry about that?

I didn’t think I could hold anger with Erik for his suicide because my husband was suffering from acute undiagnosed mental illness. We aren’t mad at cancer patients who die, we are mad at the cancer. So because I didn’t know what he didn’t want me to know, I have no right to be angry at him? Is that really my logic here?

Remember the ant I stepped on and apologized to because he won’t be going back to the colony with the groceries? 

Yeah, that same girl is also discovering what emotions I have access to for my survival right now as a widow. And my core belief is that anger gets you porcupine tights punishment so I should just move onto the other feelings I’m better at like empathy and love. Do you see where this can become maladaptive in my grief recovery? 

BECAUSE I AM ANGRY.

And I am so afraid of my anger. Bad things happen when I get angry. I sound like the Incredible Hulk but you know what I mean. Anger = bad girl and Happy= good girl. But dammit, I am so mad that I have been left here to fill all the holes left behind, especially the holes in the hearts of our kids. 

I think I am becoming more irritable about unrelated little things because I will not give myself permission to hold anger at this life changing loss. Little things like…

• Sports bras with the padding things that fold over when you wash them
• The scooping sounds of all the ice being used to fill the Stanley cups that will be left all over my house like it’s an Easter egg hunt before we can turn on the dishwasher
• Menopause moving my eyebrows to my chin
• The fact that moms with kidult daughters are not allowed to have socks or eat their own leftovers
• The whole yacht rock station in my car just pisses me off now
• People who merge onto the interstate from behind you and then don’t let YOU in
• The way those Mark Spain real estate commercials run every 5 minutes and how he waves his hands around when he says “no open houses…” 
• Big bluejay birds who bully the cardinals off my bird feeder
• Couples who have “date nights” when I feel like a lonely old spinster bird feeder lady

The point is anger is a valid emotion that will get your attention even if you try to keep it tucked away. A few people have even commented on my snarkiness. Like the guy who asked if I was a passive aggressive woman and I replied, “no I think I am just aggressive aggressive right now.” 

I am grateful for the mirror the world holds up for me. I am even more grateful that I possess the ability and desire to see and accept what that mirror is showing me. I want to own my mistakes and grow through my hard feelings without labeling them bad or good.

So…can I just be mad even if it feels risky? Because I’m afraid you won’t like me when I turn green and my jeans rip off into Hulk jorts!

I have to accept anger and label it with its proper name. I want to practice making friends with my anger and it probably deserves a shameless slice on my pie chart.

Because I know there is truth in everything and more than one thing can be true at once. I am full of love AND full of pain. I can be so caring AND I can be a sarcastic jerk. I enjoy yacht rock music AND I hate it after one song. I love Erik unconditionally AND I am so angry he shattered our lives this way.