I am coming out of winter hibernation without much of a story to share. I kind of suck at widowing in the winter. Why does January feel like a long weekend in purgatory? Why is it followed by February with Valentine’s Day and Girl Scout cookies?

I wish I could tell you it is getting better or there is less grief now. But I think I am just getting stronger. The weight is still so heavy. There is still very little rest from the constant rumination in my brain and heart about losing my husband to suicide. It is exhausting to always be pondering what the hell happened to my life and my family. But I am getting stronger and I am learning to just “be okay” on my own in this world.

How am I doing being alone? Ah-MAZ-ing (said with a slight eye roll.) I did say yes to some cool stuff so far! I took a calligraphy class…said no cool person ever. Apparently, we all did in elementary school in the 80’ s but this one was “modern calligraphy” with a millennial. Kids were also required to learn square dancing in the 80’s, but I won’t be circling back for that one any time soon.

I rode a horse! Like a real horse on a real farm. I stared into Banjo’s eyes, and we were like Jacob and Renesmee in Twilight, trotting around like soul mates. He also helped me conquer my fear of adventure-related injuries. Like the time I went surf boarding with Erik in Costa Rica and ended up in a hospital where no one washed their hands, and the medications were not labeled.

I took a pickleball lesson like a proper menopausal woman and figured out the whole kitchen situation. I drove a golf cart in a thunderstorm. I hiked in the desert in Arizona without a bottle of water. I talked to a Sommelier at a very fancy restaurant about my wine selection and later embarrassingly referred to him as a Somalian. I went to a giant, world famous (meaning popular in the South) antique market and spent hours trying not to buy things I already inherited from my mother.

So far in 2026, I have taken some risks. I said yes to new things. I had some great laughs with some great friends. I kept going despite feeling like I was in quicksand most days. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of those moments and grateful for my life.

But that is the highlight reel. That is the social media post and the smiling photo.

The truth is, I don’t have much extra light to shine right now. But I feel my flame is still burning. I am enduring with the hopes of thriving again someday soon. I have accepted that sometimes just being okay is enough. We don’t have to be “Ah-MAZ-ing” all the time. Just keep saying yes to new opportunities to grow so we can get through to the warmer, happier days of spring.